A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small. The man, "I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp. A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes. First, I wished for all the money in the world. Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world." "Yeah?" "And then I wished for a little head."
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK", said Little Johnny, "that could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez", said the stranger, "I have no idea." "Well, then", said Little Johnny, "how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?" The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender, "What did she do?" Guy, "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
Little Johnny was visiting his grandparents. He was out on the porch when his grandpa pulled out a cigar. "Can I have one?" says little Johnny. "Son, can your cock touch your ass?" replies Grandpa. Confused, little Johnny replies, "No." "Then you're not old enough" says grandpa. Then grandpa pulls out some beer. "May I have a drink?" Asks Johnny. "Can your cock touch your ass?" Asks grandpa. "No" says Johnny. Johnny sadly goes into the house. He returns later with milk and cookies. Grandpa sees the cookies and asks for one. Johnny turns to grandpa and asks: "Grandpa, can your cock touch your ass?" Grandpa with a smug look on his face replies: "Why yes. Yes it can." Without missing a beat Johnny says: "Then go screw yourself, Grandma said these are mine!"
How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snow balls
One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, "If my daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby lion." He kept on talking to himself like this. After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and said, "What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your mommy was a whore?" Little Johnny replied, "Then I would be a bus driver!"
Hey have you ever seen a beach whale? no what is it? your mom ma
He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME. He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER. He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION. He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER. He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION. He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" Dad: "No, just leave it in the carton!"
Will you remember me tomorrow? yes will your remember me in a week? yes a month? yes a year? yes 10 years? yes Knock Knock who's there? I thought you said you'd remember me!